me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.