@HomeProbably

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

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@DurtMcHurtt

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

@BlaineKy

My Fitbit said I took 25 steps today…
maybe if I move my recliner closer to the bathroom, I be able to cut my steps in half !

@MotleyTheMutt

Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*

@debon7

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

@longwall26

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@robo_junkie

I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.

@SvnSxty

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that