Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
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Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?