@onion_an

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

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The doctor says I’m depressed because I don’t have enough iron in my diet so I’ve started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

@mom_tho

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

@Angibangie

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

@IRLPepperMD

[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”

@thatUPSdude

Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”

@The_JRM

If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.