Ambien: Where is your unicorn?
Me: I don’t have a unicorn.
A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
Emergency training complete
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ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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wife: pretend you’re my daddy
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
english majors be like furthermore