Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.