@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

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@Cherbearxo

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

@Brampersandon_

[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?

@CalebTenenbaum

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

@maebemarbles

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

@perlhack

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

@nbadag

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

@NYC_Blonde

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

@joerogan

This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.