Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.