@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

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@staceys55

Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”

@SortaBad

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

@DancesWithTamis

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

@ObscureGent

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

@StewieTea2

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!

@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

@AndrewNadeau0

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

@PUNISHEDASH

Humans really are like “god loves me most I’m his chosen creation” while tortoises can easily live up to 150 years old and have in built armor

@JimmerThatisAll

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.