@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

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@neiltyson

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

@Sugar_Pac

I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.

@realHamOnWry

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.

@vajennilogue2

May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?

– how I get out of any situation

@slennonhugs

I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull

@Tammy2Tone

Looks like Brenda in Accounting drew on her angry eyebrows today…

@Tmoney68

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

@RickAaron

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

@Marlebean

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@jake_lach

Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’