BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
You Might Also Like
I hope all the friends I’ve made in the bathroom at 1am are still SO pretty and everything worked out with that boy they were drunk texting
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
So PSY’s song “Dear American” includes the lyric “Kill them all slowly and painfully” and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.