Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

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Police: “You were going fast.” Me: “I was trying to keep up with traffic.” Police: “There isn’t any.” Me: “That’s how far behind I am!”


“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds


I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out


My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.


If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.


If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!


First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*


{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.


Humans really are like “god loves me most I’m his chosen creation” while tortoises can easily live up to 150 years old and have in built armor


People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.