@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

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@KalvinMacleod

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

@dariatbh

I hope all the friends I’ve made in the bathroom at 1am are still SO pretty and everything worked out with that boy they were drunk texting

@UncleDuke1969

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@TheFearBoners

So PSY’s song “Dear American” includes the lyric “Kill them all slowly and painfully” and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.

@HelmdawgE

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

@PajamaBen_

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

@WilliamAder

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

@JohnMayer

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.