Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour