If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
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I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants