Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

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[enter password]


[password weak]

All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying


Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.


Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression


ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible


ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*


Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room




My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises


ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.


My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.