All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
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Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.