@pinupteacher

ME: What tattoo should I get?

TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.

ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.

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@lmegordon

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

@BuckyIsotope

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

@kimlockhartga

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

@thispartyislame

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

@Ameiam

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

@rmfnord

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

@pleatedjeans

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

@mama_babble

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

@YSylon

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba