I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
ME: What tattoo should I get?
TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.
ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific