friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
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cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[shakes fist at other fist]
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’