My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
ME: What tattoo should I get?
TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.
ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.
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Me: I’ve totally got this.
Narrator: Oh this ought to be good.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”