I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume