Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Lmao
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.