Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

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protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?


“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”

-no girl, ever


When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.


I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”


Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.


[me as a poltergeist]
*replacing the coffee with decaf* ooooOooOooooo


Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”


settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids