protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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“I wish some random guy from India would DM me!”
-no girl, ever
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[me as a poltergeist]
*replacing the coffee with decaf* ooooOooOooooo
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
shes shocked about being pregnant? LMAO