ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: