Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
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me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.