“What sins have you committed?”
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
King Solomon: more porcupines
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“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.