Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.