Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Why font matters.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️