Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
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Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
How times have changed.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.