@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

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@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

@Freak_N_Geeky

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

@HispanicIcon

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

@stephenjmolloy

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

@baronvonbike

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

@Love_bug1016

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

@Lisabug74

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

@hazelmotes1

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.

@SardonicTart

[Gone for an hour]

Boss: Where have you been?

Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.

@LethargicLife

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.