Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.


Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”


I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.


God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…


Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.


In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.


What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.


I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.


[Gone for an hour]

Boss: Where have you been?

Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.


Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.