@iinkedZombie

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

- @iinkedZombie

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@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@savvystrider

Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.

@Contwixt

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

@Shen_the_Bird

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

@iwearaonesie

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

@XplodingUnicorn

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

@ChicksRule

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

@OakHill_

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.