Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Lmao
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.