@notviking

me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?

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@AbrasiveGhost

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@TySmithdrums

Me: “Can I see the baby?”

Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”

Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”

@kbnoswag

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

@Mom_Overboard

Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@mommajessiec

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

@ddsmidt

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.