Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
me: what your biggest fear?
date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic
me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Me: “Can I see the baby?”
Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”
Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I’m a man trapped outside a woman’s body.
Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.