[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.