ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
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Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*seductively eats two tums*
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*