Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
🙂🐾
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?