me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
August 8
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there