@tweetsbyrocket

me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

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@jenstatsky

My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”

@AnnDabromowitz

When I’m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called “sandwich artists.” They will be “sub humans.”

@JustDontBugMe

[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros

@GreenishDuck

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

@stephanieck72

All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.

@Dschnoeb

Just saw The Imitation Game & it was FILLED with historical inaccuracies about World War II. They don’t even mention Captain America at all.

@SteveToyne

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘No I’m Spartacus’

‘I am Spartacus’

‘I AM Spartacus’

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’