My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
You Might Also Like
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before