“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.