ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
You Might Also Like
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
My work here is don’t.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
This is a bad sign
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate