Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.