Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
im all 3
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.