[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
it must be school picture day
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
it is time once again
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.