@Chhapiness
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
@nachdermas
ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
You Might Also Like
@Chhapiness
@cynicanoldicus
The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
@KenJennings
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
@Mr_Kapowski
*returns lost dog*
Lady: That’s not him. He was white
Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward
@murrman5
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
@OakHill_
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
@jngraphs
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
@jgordonwright
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
@portmanteauface
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting