I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
sistine chapel
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines