[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
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PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
out of all my body parts, I’m sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day.
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks