ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

You Might Also Like


Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?



The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.


*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.


*returns lost dog*

Lady: That’s not him. He was white

Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward


[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”


Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh


*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke


Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting