@QwertyJones3
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
@nachdermas
ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
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@QwertyJones3
@teen_news69
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
@Skoog
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
@FredTaming
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
@JimmerThatisAll
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
@TheCatWhisprer
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
@pakalupapito
out of all my body parts, I’m sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day.
@daemonic3
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
@omgthatspunny
I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny.
@ch000ch
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks