Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Scream sneezers need love too.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you