COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*fires up juicer
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M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*sees hot guy
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens
*mouths* “call me”
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.