Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

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COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.


M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
H: What?
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.


I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.


*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”


“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”


I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.


I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.


my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine


If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.


Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.