@UncleDuke1969

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

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@johnbiehl

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

@SmithWit

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

@iwearaonesie

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

@Prof_Peejay

Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.

@TuSoonShakur

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

@iamburtjarvis

her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.

@murrman5

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

@pineapplepleas

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

@TheAlexNevil

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.