Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
This is amazing.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”