Me: What’s one thing you don’t like about your girlfriend?

Him: She doesn’t swallow.

Me: What? How does she eat?

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[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles


What kind of doctor are you?
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”


The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.


ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.


Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties


UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over


[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest


[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.