[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
five hundred miles
Me: What’s one thing you don’t like about your girlfriend?
Him: She doesn’t swallow.
Me: What? How does she eat?
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What kind of doctor are you?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
UK: Hey u ok
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
You are under arrest
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.