Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh