@realfunghi

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

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@dimplesticks

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@VaDawn13

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

@DadBeard

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

@Derekexplosm

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

@TheFearBoners

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?

@Cpin42

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

@_squiggz

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh