where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
ME: I miss you
KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It’s done. Stop calling me.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
At the end of the day, it’s 11:59pm.