Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?


I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.


H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!


ME: I miss you

KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It’s done. Stop calling me.


I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.



DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.


I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*