@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

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@Reverend_Scott

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

@waydybee

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

@PwrFulWmn

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

@recoveringbapti

The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…

@TheMichaelRock

[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.

@BlueOnBlack72

I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.

@YeahDrewisOn

Hey girl, heard you really like pandas

*Seductively eats bamboo*

@dorsalstream

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME