@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

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@huntigula

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

@DrakeGatsby

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

@Sassafrantz

If I’m ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I’ll be like “stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!”

@TinaraMinus10

A handsome man came up to me today & said “Hi what’s your name?”

I said “You on Twitter?” He said “No”

We’re getting married on Monday!

@TheSweetestD_

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@shariv67

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?