ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…
[guy inventing Captain Crunch]
Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.
I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.
Hey girl, heard you really like pandas
*Seductively eats bamboo*
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME