Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*