Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
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I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
If I’m ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I’ll be like “stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!”
A handsome man came up to me today & said “Hi what’s your name?”
I said “You on Twitter?” He said “No”
We’re getting married on Monday!
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?