Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver鈥檚 license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I鈥檓 terribly sorry sir, but pets aren鈥檛 allowed in here
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you鈥檙e trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 馃様
Mrs. Jekyll: I鈥檓 eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex鈥檚 heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you鈥檙e hired !!!
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I鈥檓 impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They鈥檙e all grounded.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon