@mrjohndarby

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

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@nyquills

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

@trevso_electric

I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.

@CulturedRuffian

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

@PanicRestroom

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

@TheBoyWhoWrote

Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.

@Gupton68

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

@tree_bro

“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.

@JessicaNorthey

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar