me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
bad news gang
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
When you’ve simply given up.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Wait a second…
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down