me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

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boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.


I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.


‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms


I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”


Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.


Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.


“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.


Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar