ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend