ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”