Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.