me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.