I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
🙁
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
he’s doing your taxes
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Oh my god
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.