Me: what’s the dress code

Wife: casual



Me: so-

Wife: no you may not wear your sword

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Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol


Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}


julius: hey brutus, lookin’ sharp

brutus: what knife

julius: what

brutus: what


[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*


teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring


If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.


The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets


Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.


DR DOG: The test results came back.
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*


Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
Him: No
NSA agent: No