ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Go girl power!
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.