Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
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Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”