@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

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@DaddyJew

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

@teen_news69

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

@shariv67

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

@pondermymaker

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

@jjhartinger

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

@GingerFactor

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

@sixfootcandy

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.