Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
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Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
meow
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.