@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

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@causticbob

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

@slaughthie

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

@huntigula

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

@Jake_Vig

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

@amhw

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

@DannyZuker

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

@TwinSurvivalist

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

@Ochie2S

Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*

@dumbbeezie

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

@krisv_723

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.