It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
Me: And motorized scooter?
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Sometimes I feel awkward cause I don’t quite know what to do with all my limbs, but then I imagine if I was an octopus and I feel better.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.