Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.