Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Need this in my life lol
Hard not to take this personally
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”